I authored this article and had it published elsewhere. However, “Between our wives and mistresses!” the article written by Wale Akin and the subsequent replies to his article made me decide to publish it here too. It is a Bible-based viewpoint on relationships. That notwithstanding, I’m convinced that anyone or couple that follows the principles will get the benefits irrespective of their religious leaning.

Meeting a suitable partner is certainly not the end of the road, but the beginning of another, and hopefully, life-long journey. Meeting a suitable partner is supposed to help us go through the problems of marriage fairly easily. It is not to say that having the right partner means there will be no problem in the relationship. It is therefore a means to an end, and not an end in itself. For emphasis, every marriage has its own set of challenges. It is just the way it is and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about that other than to learn to work through these challenges, solving every problem as they arise and moving on till death does part.

There are a number of “difficult” words in the bible. Difficult in the sense that while they may be good in terms of their fruits; end results, they are not so easy to follow, accomplish, exercise or do. One of such words is “patience”. Anyone asking God to give them patience is like asking for “trouble”. Otherwise, how do you know your prayer is answered and that you really have patience? Somebody prayed, God give me patience NOW! You must be tested. Things will happen that will stretch you and when you do not react like you normally would, you know you have more patience. And I tell you, it is not always a palatable experience that tests your patience. Ask Moses.

Patience from another angle is the ability to hold on to God and wait on Him for what He promised. Abraham and Sarah had to wait for so long even after God promised them Isaac. I have often wondered why God had to wait that long to give Abraham the promised child. The truth is God does not look at time the way we do. No wonder the bible says He has an appointed time for everything He wants to do. He is very organized and articulate. A lot of times we pray for something and He says nothing and we think He didn’t hear. It is only that He has a time for that thing to come to pass. As humans, we are so impatient because we do not know God’s timing for a thing or event. If He answers and tells you, I will do it, then there is another problem. We take that to mean He is going to do it today or tomorrow, whereas He is probably thinking of the next ten years! At a point, Sarah tried to help God to keep His word due to impatience. The end result of which is the unending feud we have in the Middle East today. Patience is by no means an easy word, but think of it. If we can wait on God to deliver according to His word and time, what a happy ending we will always have!

Some other difficult words for the purpose of this article are “submission” and “love”. These words have suffered a lot of abuse in terms of interpretation and understanding. A lot of people have interpreted them to suit their pre-determined ends. But then, it is like a person who was hit ten times and was asked how many times he was hit, and because of the shame, he said he was hit five times. How does that remove the pain of the other five times he didn’t acknowledge? It is up to us as individuals to face the truth no matter how uncomfortable it might be, so that we can achieve our life goals. I often say there are two people you cannot deceive: God and yourself. Everyone else may not know the truth, but those two people always do.

I want to premise the success of any marital relationship upon those two words: submission and love as are found and demanded in the Bible. I said somewhere else that success in relationships is about roles and responsibilities. Even the secular world knows this; and that is the whole essence of the term “organization”. If we all know what is expected of us and do them when and how it is expected, there will be a lot less problem, I presume. Let me take on submission first.

SUBMISSION

What is submission or submissiveness? According to http://reference.com, “Submissiveness is the trait of being willing to yield to the will of another person or a superior force. Within a relationship there may be a submissive partner. This partner may be trying to appease the other(s) through agreeing to their command.” The underlined is my emphasis. Submission is the root word, and has synonyms as, obedience, compliance, capitulation, surrender, acquiescence, giving in, deference, etc. The antonym is “resistance”. In any relationship, everyone has a will, but when you are submissive, you willingly yield, put under, subject your will to that of the person you submit to. The bible, in Ephesians 5:22-24 says:

 

22: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

 

23: For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body.

 

24: Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

The reason why submission is a difficult word is that, like patience, it is not easy to do. I have heard a lot of women congratulate themselves on their submissiveness; more like a self-pat in the back. However, talking to their spouses later, I discovered they are not as submissive as they had thought, or maybe not as much as the husbands expected. Is therefore any way of measuring submissiveness? Fortunately, there is. Eph. 5:22 has the key. It says: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. That is the standard; that is the expectation. How many times have we told Jesus that, Lord, I want or don’t want to do this or that, but may Your will be done. Not what I want, but what You want? Is that how our women see and talk to their husbands? A couple of years ago, I attended a church and the pastor was talking about submission and along the line he mentioned Sarah, who was so submissive to the point that she called her husband, lord. A lady there couldn’t take it. She got up and asked, If we call our husbands lord, what then shall we call Jesus? To which the pastor calmly replied, Lord of lords. There are all sorts of lords, but there is only one Lord over all. You go into the courts and the judges are called lords, does that make them the savior?

Now, I don’t know about any lady in this day and age calling her husband “lord” anymore. In the name of modernization, a lot of those ancient landmarks; things that made the world better have been upturned, yet we wonder why we do not live long or get the results people of old got. However, we can safely say that the wife is expected to give unto her husband due regard, much like you would give unto the Lord. In other words, if Jesus would ask you to do a thing and you are sure He is the one asking you to, what would your attitude or reaction be? That is the same way you should react to your husband. This is because the husband is the head of the wife, just like Christ is the head of the church. Now, literally speaking, what can anyone do without their heads? For a moment, just imagine somebody walking towards you headless even in broad daylight, I’m sure you would outrun Marion Jones on the tracks! I remember the story of David and Goliath. David hauled the rock at Goliath who fell, but to ensure that Goliath was permanently certified dead and victory assured, Goliath’s head had to be cut off. Anyone without their head is deemed dead. This is the position of the husband in the life of his wife.

1 Peter 3

1: Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

 

2: While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

 

3: Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;

 

4: But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.

 

5: For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:

 

6: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

Our fore-mothers (if we had fore-fathers) that were good examples to us adorned themselves with meek and quiet spirit. Any sane man would appreciate a woman with meek and quiet spirit. Remember the model woman in Proverbs 31? It says the heart of her husband doth safely trust in her. No ordinary woman. If a woman would try to just follow that example, we would be heading somewhere, won’t we? Imagine that your husband can trust what you will say or do at any given point whether he is there or not. He can trust you with family finance, knowing you will not spend all the money on jewelries and clothes at the expense of more important things at home, jumping from one party to another. From California to New York, they know you as madam happiness. If it is happening, you will be there. After all, when you have an occasion too, you expect people to attend, so you must attend every party or ceremony you are invited to even at the risk of your family unity.

Now, someone is reading this and is saying some men are no better than the devil. You just can’t please them. No matter what you do, even if you use your head to mop their feet every morning, they will still treat you like trash. I will come back to the roles of the men in the next section, but permit me to tell you this real life story.

There was this man and his wife in Lagos, Nigeria. They got married and were living together happily until things began to turn awry. That is the usual order. You meet this person, and you think this is heaven! You get married and things are going so good you can’t believe it. But then slowly and gradually, things begin to change. It is normal in every relationship. It is only abnormal if the trend is not arrested because it is a downward trend. This is where the things you have in common with your spouse come in (see Thoughts on Relationships). So, for this family (let us call them Mr. & Mrs. Brown for the purpose of this article) things began on the downward drift and they didn’t successfully do anything about it. It got worse and worse. They couldn’t have a baby because of the constant upheavals. They fought and quarreled at every opportunity and about everything. It was so bad that the neighbors had to come in time and again to settle rifts for them. After some time, the neighbors stopped coming and left them to their devices. So they would fight and fight and break furniture and practically all the valuables in their home.

In the morning when they wake up for instance, anything like, “who took my shaving machine from here?” is enough to start the day. The wife would shoot back her response and before you know it, everywhere is aflame until they get tired and go to work. They became the morning alarm bell for their neighbors. When you hear the Browns in the morning, you can tell its time to start getting ready for work. Things were really bad, nearing the point of hopelessness. Sounds familiar?

A man of God was in town for a crusade around this time and somehow, Mrs. Brown got invited. For want of anything else to do, she decided to attend. If she stayed home, she would only be fighting with that useless man anyway, so she thought. She went and the Holy Spirit was ministering through the man of God as he spoke about relationships and what it takes to be a submissive woman. It was like he knew what they were going through. She was boiling mad. “So, this foolish man had gone to tell this preacher what is going on in the family? Wait till I get home tonight. He is in trouble!” However as God would have it, she was convicted by the Holy Spirit in the course of the evening. She answered the alter call and gave her life to Christ. She was thereafter counseled. She had a nagging question though. Why would her husband go and tell the Pastor family secrets? They didn’t even know her husband, they told her. She was educated on the workings of the Holy Spirit. She was advised that being a new creature, she should by all means refrain from quarrels with her husband, difficult as it would prove to be. Then, they prayed for her.

She got home and the husband was already there, watching what was left of the TV. The poor thing had broken bones to show for all the constant fights. She greeted him, good evening, to which he didn’t respond. It was as if he didn’t hear her. She went inside, into the kitchen and made dinner, then set the table for him. This is something she hadn’t done in ages. Then she invited him to the table. Of course, he didn’t respond. The food ended up in the trash bin. The following morning, she greeted him, good morning. No response, but he was getting ready for work. Then he saw something amiss and queried her. She didn’t respond in her usual way. Rather, she offered an explanation. He wasn’t satisfied, so he ranted on and on. At a time she felt like giving it back to him, what nonsense! But the Holy Spirit helped her keep her cool. If she wants her family back, there is a price she had to pay.

Then she went into the kitchen to prepare his breakfast. It was trashed since he wouldn’t eat it. Then he slammed the door and went to work. At least that morning, the neighbors heard only one voice. She got to work and was encouraged by her friends who invited her to the crusade. Upon getting home that afternoon, she made his lunch and set the table waiting for him to return from work. She opened the door for him and offered to take his jacket. He brushed her off and went into the bedroom. Coming back into the living room, she invited him to the table. He flared. “I have been watching you since yesterday. You and your mother, you are trying to poison me, right? It will not work! I am not eating your food. Try all you can, your voodoo will not work on me.” Then he took his car keys, slammed the door and went out. Upon returning, dinner was ready. At her invitation, he just hissed and went to bed. But that was a full day without a fight. Impossible! The following morning, he was determined to raise a fight at all cost. It is not fun fighting yourself, is it? And what is wrong with her? Why won’t she be herself so they could go at it again? You could get used to a bad thing. He did all he could, but she wouldn’t bulge. He fumed and fumed, then went to work.

Getting back from work that afternoon, lunch was ready and waiting. This is not possible! Again, he referenced her mother and the possibility of trying to poison him. When she wouldn’t say anything, he went as far as daring her to talk and get a dirty or clean slap. Nothing. Like a wounded lion, he pranced about the house, swearing and cursing. Nothing he did could provoke her into action. Well, even if you are the devil and you are quarrelling with someone who is saying nothing, you will soon wear yourself out. He burnt out, then sat on the sofa panting and from the corner of his eyes waiting for her response. She got up. Yeah, here she comes. Now we will fight, he thought. But she went on her knees before him, crying and apologized for all the fights they had. She accepted guilt for every instance, even when she was not wrong and asked for his forgiveness. He couldn’t take that. At that point, he knew something had happened to this woman. This is not the woman he married.

What happened to you? He wanted to know. She told him about the crusade ending that evening. He told her to lead the way. Whatever had changed her like that, he intends to find out. They got there and the man of God was completing his happy home series with emphasis on the role of the man. Mr. Brown was angry! So, this woman went and told this man our secrets and brought me here to be ridiculed! What insult! He was there anyway and the Holy Spirit got him. He gave his life and was counseled. He too had his teaching on the working of the Holy Spirit in answer to how the pastor knew so much about his family. Mr. and Mrs. Brown went home that night a changed couple. For the first time in a long time, they actually had anything to laugh about. Gradually, things went back to normal and they bonded more. The neighbors lost their alarm bell and wondered what happened. Their story when told, actually fortified other relationships. They began to do things together and it was wonderful. However, it began with a woman who was willing to pay the price. Several times she felt like answering back, but she didn’t. She was a business executive too; not a push over. People answered to her on her job, but at home, she learnt to answer to her husband. It was a lesson she learnt the hard way, but she was happy to have paid the price. The happy home she got in return was worth it many times over. Being a good wife is challenging, especially nowadays. But nothing good is supposed to come easy anyway. I learnt a long time ago that EVERY good thing comes at a price.

LOVE

In all my years on this planet, I am yet to know a word more abused than “love”. You see a dashing young man (as a woman) or a clean beauty (as a man) that catches your fancy and you think, wow! I love him/her. Somebody does you a favor and you are, wow! I love him/her. Love has been defined severally even to the point of confusion. Why is this? People link love to a feeling. Love is more than a feeling. Paul wrote an entire chapter on love and its attributes, as may be found in I Corinthians 13. A man who loves his wife would have these attributes. We will come back to them later.

When no definition would suffice for love, the bible said, God is love! Love is the fulfillment of all laws. Wherever there is love, there is harmony, progress, peace and everything good and godly. The need for couples to love and be in love cannot be over emphasized. However, the specific command in terms of roles in the home was for the man to love his wife. Is there any way of measuring that love? Yes…like Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. What is that saying? A man should love his wife to the point that if he has to, he would die for her.  

I Peter 5:

25: Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

 

26: That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

 

27: That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

 

28: So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

 

29: For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

 

30: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

 

31: For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

 

32: This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

 

33: Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

I try to imagine it. If you could die for a person, that is giving your life for the person, is there anything you cannot give that person? Your life is you. It is all you have. If you lose it, there is nothing left. Have you ever seen a dead man coming to argue with the living on how his property was being used? It does not happen. The love requirement is so strong that if we truly understand it, most issues at home would be considered trivial. For instance, who does the dishes at home? You may not believe it, but that is enough to create permanent chaos in some families. I am not here to say the man or the woman should do dishes. What works with people differ. I have met women who chase their husbands out of the kitchen. It is not a man’s place, they say. That is what they want. For some others, the woman would not mind doing the cooking while he does the dishes afterwards. There are families where this is their arrangement. They are happy with it and it works for them. One thing I can say is, wherever you find couples arguing about things like this, love is not firmly grounded there. Love takes care of a lot of things. Traditionally, a woman is the Director-General in the ministry of Foods and House Keeping, but I tell you that if she is in the kitchen doing her stuff, the loving husband is not far away. Sometimes, having someone to talk to while you do some chores can take away all the work in those chores. In the last analysis, a loving husband thinks of what gets done at home; not who does it.

I talked to a number of married men and asked them if they helped out with house chores. Some of them started by drawing my attention to the word “help”; which pre-supposes that it is primarily the woman’s job. They are only trying to help, but according to them, if you do a thing for a woman once, twice, next time she claims it is your job to do. That is why they don’t even want to start it. Ordinarily, they don’t mind doing things at home, but they fear a permanent role reversal. Food for thought? Even then, I look at it and wonder, is that how Jesus would treat His church? Would Jesus take away His grace from us because of our failings? Paul said, where sin abounded, grace did much more abound. (Rom. 5:20) From Christ’s perspective, if you fall in the days of adversity, then your strength must be small. That is why to those who have no strength, He increaseth might. That is love. Of everything God made, we humans are the most terrible. We are the only ones who challenge God. Some of us even doubt His basic existence, but what does He do? Patiently and in love, He stands at the door and keeps knocking hoping that one day, the door would be opened. He never forces Himself on people. You cannot understand this God. His ways are mysterious, but then I guess that is part of what makes Him God. I often wonder what I would do if I were God. I would start with all those who say I don’t exist, by teaching them a few lessons on the reality of my existence. A friend said he would grab all of them by the throat and choke them to death, and then they would believe. I wonder how many of us would be here if He did that. Amazing.

Love is by no means easy. Think of what Jesus did on the cross. He had no business hanging on the cross, but He loved us, so He had to pay the price for offenses He did not commit. Love is sacrificial. Back to those love attributes. I just love the King James Version. We were weaned on it. For those who are unfamiliar with the Authorized King James Version, Charity means love. Please substitute accordingly. I Cor. 13:

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

What can I say? A man who loves his wife the way Christ love His church does not see any big deal in making her life easier. He knows it is a requirement and he is happy to make her happy. When your wife is happy, you are happy too. Take it or leave it, God made the woman to be an influence on the man. It is up to the man to make sure her influence on him is positive. I am not a theologian, and I don’t know what “faith” is called in Greek, but I can at least read the bible. In the creation account in Genesis, I know Adam was made before Eve. The bible did not state for how long Adam had been alone in the Garden before God decided to make a helper for him, and by extension, it is possible that for that long Satan had been trying to get him to eat the forbidden fruit without success. Then he went through his wife and got the job done. Why was Eve able to get Adam to do what Satan couldn’t? The closest person to the president today remains his wife. No security cordon can separate them. I see this influence as divine, and any wise man would tap into it to advantage. A wise woman would also know that men are merely big boys despite their husky voices. She only needs to know how and he would do whatever she wants. A preacher one day asked all the men in the congregation to stand up. He asked those who do what their wives say to come to one side. Everyone went there except one person. After the service, they wanted to know how he is able not to do what his wife says. He said, “I only stood there because my wife asked me to!” It takes some wisdom and your man will do anything for you. By nature, women are more loving and caring than men and they have this “instinct” for many things. God said He would create a help meet for man. It is not just in cooking and house chores. Your wife is supposed to complement you. She is your personal, priceless, invaluable, God-given resource. It is up to you to let her fulfill that role. She can only do that if you love her and show it.

Ahab, a king in the bible had a problem with another person’s property that he wanted. He didn’t know how to go about it until his wife came to the rescue and got the job done. Now, that is an example of a negative influence. A man came home one day with this problem he had battled with all day at work. He had no appetite for food because the thing was still on his mind. The wife was concerned and wanted to know what the problem was. Ordinarily, he would have thought, what do you know about my workplace and its workings? But because he loved her, he explained the problem to her. In one statement, she proffered the solution to the problem and the man wondered why he hadn’t thought of that all day! That is the way women are wired. They have this knack for problem solving in a way that is different from men. Their tenacity is commendable. If a woman believes in a cause, it takes a lot to dissuade her. And when she wants that dress too, God help you if she doesn’t get it. That is what makes them such good companions. The way to get the best out of them is to love them, and really that is all they ask for.

A woman can defy the entire world for the sake of a man she loves. Parents can disown her, the society may ostracize her, but she doesn’t care for as long as he still loves her. Love and faithfulness has such deep and different meanings to them. When a man says I love you, often times he is thinking physically. When a woman says it, it is almost spiritual. It has such deep meanings to them. This is why the bible says it is in the interest of a man to love his wife, because he is in the process loving himself. He is only doing himself a favor. When a man loves his wife and they work together, they become an unbeatable team. Satan doesn’t want families like that and he works so hard to create confusion and problems. But the bible said to watch and pray. Be vigilant.

Submissiveness in a marital relationship does not mean the woman has no voice. Actually, a man who loves his wife would always seek her opinion in everything, and I mean everything. If there is love and you do this always, you will see how rewarding it is when decisions at home are jointly reached. I love the way a man of God put it. He said in his family, they operate a democracy. Three people vote there: himself, the wife and God. However, he has the mandate to cast God’s vote for Him. A lot of men have interpreted submissiveness to imply the woman has no voice. Even God allowed Adam and Eve to state their cases before He sentenced them.

This is the reason I gave the solution to marital problems under those two words, Submission and Love. We now see that if the woman is truly submissive and the husband genuinely loves, there would be far less problems. Whatever problem arises would be dealt with under those provisions of submission and love. But then, that is the challenge we face. Sometimes, problems remain not for lack of knowing what to do, but actually doing them. The key is in the doing. Most times, it is not easy to do the right thing, but the right thing is waiting to be done with results guaranteed. The prayer now is that God will help us to know the right things and actually do them. If one partner is failing in their responsibility, the other should not use that as an excuse for failing too. Through persistence in one’s responsibilities, the other can come to realize their failing and actually do something about it. Ten thousand wrongs don’t make a right. It takes a lot but like I always say, God is alive. He also wants our relationships to work, but he doesn’t spoon-feed us. There are good lessons to be learnt from those moments when it appeared like the world is coming down. Quarrels are not such bad things for relationships because, properly managed and resolved, tighter bonding results. God’s rich blessings. Amen.

Mark Okin writes from USA

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